Dear Julian,

My fiancé and I are really interested in having a woman join us. Definitely in the bedroom, but also we would prefer someone who would like to hang out with us out of the bedroom. I have been with a woman once before, and it was a beautiful experience. We have always talked about having a threesome. He had done this before, and it was not a good experience for him. So now it comes to my question: How do we meet someone? We have tried posting an ad and that hasn’t accomplished anything. I wouldn’t mind going out somewhere, but I’m really not sure how we would approach the invitation to someone or where we would even go to meet someone like that. Any ideas? Thanks!

—J

Dear J,

Of course I have ideas-that’s my job! Let me start with your first question. How do you meet someone like this? Ads are certainly a good way to go; but if you’re not getting very far, then come on out and look. There are social groups in town who are supportive as well as events like “Quickies and Cream.” (See my first column for more details. We throw “Alternative Speed Meeting” events twice a year.) The speed dating that Self Serve puts on is a good resource, and there are even some bars that have nights that you would be more likely to meet someone. (See the following question.)

Looking for a date for two isn’t really different: Flirt, communicate and don’t be shy about the fact that you and your man are looking-not just you, and not just him. It is easier at an event like Quickies and Cream where we’re inviting you to come and meet a wide variety of people who know that tastes don’t just run down the monogamous-heterocentric line, but you can try just about anywhere. Heck, if you enjoy some kink, the local leather/kink/fetish community throws multiple events every month and a very large percentage of us are not monogamous, so it would be easier to meet someone there. Also, think of interests that you both have. Are you Pagan? There are several Earth-loving events coming up. Into Sci-Fi? Bubonicon is just around the corner, and I know several people who met and/or connected there. If you aren’t into such things, then I would stick to the less specific events and the friendlier bars. If you are open, honest, and willing to put yourself out there, the chances are good that you two will meet someone.

The question I have for you and your fiancé is this: Are you looking for a good time with someone whom you also enjoy or are you looking to have a steady person in your lives? There’s a difference between emotional monogamy (where you have one love but can have more than one sexual partner), polyamory (where you prefer to engage in multiple simultaneous loving relationships) and just plain open relationships. You need to know what you are looking for before you find it. It sounds like you’re looking for a “Friend with Benefits” situation. (Those tend to lean towards emotional monogamy coupled with open sexuality). But if you’re looking for the two of you to have a steady girlfriend, make sure that you’re ready to handle that. I’m sure this won’t be the first time that The Ethical Slut will be recommended in this column, but I suggest both of you give it a look, regardless of the route you want to take.

Enjoy yourself,
Julian

. . .

Are there any local decent Goth/old New Wave-ish clubs around here? I’m bored.

Dear J,

Yes, there are! If you want to dance, check out “THE BACKROOM-NM’s Premiere Gothik Dance Party” on Wednesday nights at the 4th Street Night Club. If you’re more into the music and socializing, go to the Albuquerque Press Club on Thursday for KGB. Both are sadly 21+, but a good time nonetheless.

Enjoy yourself,
Julian

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Going from adventure to adventure, Julian’s alternative lifestyle experiences have led her from stage to classroom; performing, teaching and giving the occasional interview in New Mexico, Arizona, Colorado and California. For more intimate details, check out her website at www.julianwolf.net.

If you’re looking for the two of you to have a steady girlfriend, make sure that you’re ready to handle that