Dear Carnal Conundrums,

I’m in my late 20s and I’m not getting enough sex in my primary relationship. We’re polyamorous, but I haven’t been seeing anyone else for about a year. I’ve been looking for a new steady lover for a while, and many of my friends are stressing that I should just go out and have a one-night stand. While that sounds good in theory, I have no interest in random hookups or going through several people before I find a steady date. Before, I’ve had a friendship or some sort of arrangement before “going all the way,” and I’d like to at least get to know someone a bit before getting freaky. Does this make me some sort of prude? Are one-night stands really necessary when looking for a new lover?

Thanks,
Tired Of Feeling Screwed In A Not-So-Good Way

Dear Tired,

First of all, are your friends pressuring you to have a one-night stand because you’re complaining all the time about not getting laid? If so: Stop that. They’re likely either trying to help you or are just sick of hearing you talk about not getting enough from your primary. If that’s not the case, maybe you should look at the intentions behind their “stressing.” There’s always the chance they want you to join the “I’ve had a one-night stand” club. or maybe they want to sleep with you themselves. (That is a viable option, by the way.)

Regardless of their intentions, no, it does not in any way make you a prude. Living outside of the norm of “monogamy” alone puts you a step ahead of what is our frequently sex-negative culture. Knowing what you’re looking for and being willing to wait for the right catch is, to many, just good business practice. Don’t let good opportunities slip away, but also don’t lower your standards due to peer-pressure. Changing your standards is OK sometimes; but let this be your decision if it happens, not theirs.

To answer your second question, one-night stands are absolutely not necessary when looking for a steady lover. In fact, the cards are stacked against this working out. It does sometimes; but if you’re looking for real love (or at least steady lovings) and you just go home with someone for a good time, that’s all you’re likely to get. Plus, there’s no guarantee it will be a “good time.”

A one-night stand for the sake of a one-night stand can be an inordinate amount of fun, but people aren’t usually psychic enough to know exactly what you’re looking for. You need to tell them. This takes time and a certain amount of communication. When looking for any type of relationship, particularly one that’s intended to be longer term, negotiation is the only way to make sure everyone’s on the same page. When it comes to a random hookup, the negotiation can consist of “Your condom or mine?”

But for something more in-depth, you’re going to need more than that. Throwing rocks into a lake and hoping you’ll get a fish really isn’t the way to plan for dinner, nor is screwing the first thing that seems interested a way to find a quality lover. Follow every lead, keep your mind open and don’t forget to flirt. There’s nothing wrong with waiting for the right lover. Just make sure you’re ready when they are!

Enjoy yourself,
Julian

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Going from adventure to adventure, Julian’s alternative lifestyle experiences have led her from stage to classroom; performing, teaching and giving the occasional interview in New Mexico, Arizona, Colorado and California. For more intimate details, check out her website at www.julianwolf.net.

On polyamory, one-night stands and throwing rocks in the lake