by Daniel Irish

By 1990, adult films didn’t have the corny sense of humor they frequently displayed in the ’70s and early ’80s, but they weren’t afraid to look ridiculous on occasion. Take, for example, The New Barbarians, a late-in-the-game Conan/Ator/Deathstalker-esque porn fantasy that I still love for reasons I can barely enunciate. Not to be confused with the 1982 post-apocalyptic action film of the same name starring Fred Williamson (which has its own cheesy appeal), this film features swinging swords, galloping horses, people dressed up in fur bikinis and a plot about a magic, time-traveling crystal powered by erotic energy. In short: It’s pure porn silliness. But it’s one of the more entertaining, bring-your-friends-over-and-get-drunk sex flicks I know.

Pouffy-haired Victoria Paris stars as Talia, an Amazonian warrior chick in an ill-defined fantasy world that looks a lot like the valley behind some dude’s house in Los Angeles County. To be fair, the film’s got better production values than most adult films, which tend to dispense with costumes, props and sets after the first sex scene. New Barbarians not only keeps it up but does it with a relatively straight face. Paris battles it out with several lunkheaded barbarians (Randy Spears, Jon Dough) and some psychotic, sex-crazed harpies called “Drainer Bitches” (Tianna, Sharon Kane) before being sucked into the more economically feasible “modern” world (basically, that dude’s house at the top of the valley). There, she meets a nice couple (Joey Silvera and always welcome industry legend Nina Hartley) who agree to help her recover that magical, time-traveling rock. Since it’s powered by sexual energy, the climax of the film involves a three-way group grope between Paris, Silvera and Hartley aimed at fucking Ms. Paris back to her proper timeframe. Awesome.

A couple of grunting, groaning Drainer Bitches in a cage provide an early, energetic sex scene, but the capper is that three-way. Paris and Hartley are extremely enthusiastic, there’s lots of nice pillow talk and everybody looks like they’re having a good fucking time (or is that good time fucking?). Director Henri Pachard, who made about 300 dirty movies starting way back in 1967, adds a level of old-school professionalism to the proceedings. The thin but discernible script is co-written by longtime porn star Erica Boyer—who’s famous for getting a shout-out in “Shamrocks and Shenanigans” by Celtic-rap hooligans House of Pain. (“Are you a whore or are you a lady?/Is it Erica Boyer or Marcia Brady?”). I can’t be sure it was Boyer who penned Talia’s immortal line, “Fucking is good, but not with Drainer Bitches.” But I’d like to thank her anyway. I’ve always wanted a T-shirt with that slogan. The line is especially funny because Talia directs it at the modern-day couple—who presumably have no idea what the fuck she’s talking about. Still, you can’t argue with the pure, simple logic of it. One of the top ten porn movie quotes of all time, IMHO.

Coming as it does at the crest of the late-’80s video boom, it’s not too surprising to find The New Barbarians staffed that most ’80s of sex icons, the blonde with huge hair and lots of makeup. Personally, I have a great deal of fondness for the species. All the performers here look vaguely like the cheerleaders in my senior year of high school—which, in the right frame of mind, is a good thing. There’s nothing remotely groundbreaking in The New Barbarians—just a bunch of porn biz vets playing dress-up and happily humping one another to a repetitive Casio soundtrack. (It even spawned a sequel, The New Barbarians 2.) At the end of the day, what more could you demand of your porn?