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Kink and Monogamy?

Filed under: Carnal Conundrums, Julian Wolf — Tags: , , , , , , , , , — Julian @ 9:46 pm July 8, 2010
Dear Julian,

Does kink and sex always go hand in hand? From what I hear monogamy can’t happen with kinky people and it’s crazy sex all the time with the guy/gal that brought the rope. Is that right?

Exhausted Thinking About It

Dear Exhausted,

Contrary to somewhat popular belief, kink and the act of sex do not always go hand and hand. In many cases, the hands stay away from the areas most frequently associated with sex. In fact, some people in the greater community have made movements to bring sex back into play. Once “the scene” started being less underground and more out in the open (ie: legal private clubs, conventions in hotels, publicly advertised parties, above-ground fetish parties) sex became a less-common occurrence. People had to stay “street legal” or avoid things that resemble sexual contact altogether due to zoning and/or prostitution laws. Some BDSM organizations have rules that sex is never allowed, including things like genital contact, or any kind of purposeful bodily fluid emissions or exchange. Heck, there are parties that are just for spanking! It’s completely possible to play with lots of people and remain sexually monogamous, and/or maintain the fidelity in your relationship, lots of people do.

Speaking of remaining sexually monogamous and/or maintaining fidelity in your relationships, make sure you talk about these things in advance. Is flogging ok but spanking makes you uncomfortable? Is strap-on play alright but kissing is right out? Being served by the same French Maid every weekend acceptable but movie dates unacceptable? Rules need to be whatever work for you. For some relationships, it might look like “anything goes” to the outside observer, but there are some specific rules in place. To use a personal example, my submissive was welcome to have casual sex and do sadomasochistic (S&M) activities with others, but anything involving D/s (dominance and submission) was rarely, if ever on the table. To the casual observer it might have looked like we had a completely open relationship, but we didn’t. We kept our emotional fidelity while having a lovely time with variety of other people.

Some people do mix their kink with sex exclusively, but for the most part that isn’t the case… at least not in the greater public community. What do I mean by “greater public community?” I’m talking about the organizations, groups, conventions, clubs and the like. (There’s a list of New Mexico groups here on Saucy Southwest!) There’s more to the BDSM and kink than just sexual aspects, and the cross over is pretty vast.

There are leaders in the community who are in monogamous relationships, and even active people who only play with one person. There isn’t one single thing that’s true of everyone in any group, and that’s always a good thing to keep in mind.

Exhausted Thinking About It, I hope that answers your question.

Enjoy yourself,

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Kink and Monogamy?

Always seeking out adventure, Julian's alternative lifestyle experiences have led her from stage to classroom; performing teaching and writing in New Mexico and across the United States. For more intimate details, check out her website at

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