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Asexuality & Your Beautiful Genitals

Filed under: Carnal Conundrums, Julian Wolf — Tags: , , , , , , — Julian @ 8:45 pm December 5, 2010
I am a female, late 20s, basically healthy, sexually active for over a decade. This is my situation: I cannot become fully aroused when I’m with another person.
I have no moral qualms about sex, I think it’s a wonderful thing. All the physical mechanisms seem to be working just fine, and I can get turned on when I’m alone and achieve orgasm thru masturbation with no problems. But when I’m with a partner there’s a discrepancy. I just cannot get fully turned on, and because of that, I have not entirely enjoyed any sexual encounter I’ve ever had.
The nature of the relationship doesn’t seem to make a difference. The situation has been the same whether I’m deeply committed to my partner or whether we’re more casual. I used to think it was something that would resolve itself as I became more experienced, but, as I’ve gotten older & more emotionally mature, there’s been virtually no change in this situation. I feel as if I’m missing out on a part of my life by not having a satisfying sex life. This is not an occasional occurrence: I’ve had 2 orgasms outside of masturbation, and that’s out of… Well, out of many, many sexual encounters. Furthermore, it’s begun to effect my relationships in general. Sex was a big factor in the breakup of my engagement 2 years ago.
Is this a problem with anxiety? Could it be medical or chemical, hormonal perhaps? Or am I just making too big a deal out of it?


Dear Lily,
It could be any of the factors you listed. Physiological reasons such as chemical and/or hormone imbalances and a variety of other medical reasons can affect how we interact, particularly in stressful and/or sexual situations. I highly recommend seeing your preferred medical professional to rule out anything physiological, and barring that, check in with a psychiatrist or the like to look into any psychological issues that might be there.
There is also a chance that there isn’t anything wrong. Some people aren‘t sexual, or just aren‘t sexual with other people. Asexual people are defined as “people who do not experience sexual attraction.” Many people who identify as asexual have meaningful relationships- sometimes romantic in nature- with others. Here is a link on the topic: The Asexual Visibility and Education Network.

I hope that you find your answer soon, it’s so much easier to have a good time when you’re not worried about your well being.

Enjoy yourself,

Hey Julian,

Back in college I had a boyfriend that refused to go down on me because he said I “looked weird down there.” I’ve been a bit shy about it ever sense. My gynecologist says that everything is normal, I just have “pronounced labia.” Is this a big deal? Anytime I’ve seen porn the girls aren’t what I’d call pronounced. Should I keep the lights off, get surgery or what?


Dear AW,

First of all, I hope you didn’t stay with that boyfriend very long. While everyone is welcome to have preferences, that was a pretty unsympathetic way of expressing his. I am sorry that you had to deal with that.

Secondly, there is nothing wrong with you, at all. It was a smart move to check with your gynecologist- I’m glad that you did! I could go on and on about how we’re each unique, our genitals are a beautiful thing and lots of main stream porn seems to want to teach us otherwise, but the staff at Self Serve in Nob Hill just put out a video on why you (not just you AW) don’t need labiaplasty. (Labiaplsty is what they what they call the elective cosmetic surgery you don’t need.) The video is a bit shorter than ten minutes, and I highly recommend it.
(Just keep in mind that some females experience pain and/or discomfort due to abnormally pronounced labia. In these cases, labiaplsty is not so much a cosmetic surgery as it is quality of life necessity.)

AW, I hope this answers your question and helps you gain some confidence. If having the lights off is your thing, then keep them off, but if you like the lights on- or you enjoy cunnilingus for that matter, find a partner who can enjoy you for exactly who you are.

Enjoy yourself,

Curious about something in that great big sexy world out there? Julian Wolf is here for you. Ask anything below or email Julian directly at
No question is too out there.
Asexuality & Your Beautiful Genitals

Always seeking out adventure, Julian's alternative lifestyle experiences have led her from stage to classroom; performing teaching and writing in New Mexico and across the United States. For more intimate details, check out her website at

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1 Comment »

  • To Julian about your issue with pronounced labia. I personally have always loved enjoying women who have those but your ex-boyfriend personally sounds like an idiot. He should accept you for you and anything on the outside wheather normal or non is just another part of you that should have been accepted out of his love for you and not scorned. I am sorry that some of us.. ok many of us men can act like that. I only wish that to you and all of the other women out there who guys like that have hurt I could somehow find a way to help make up for them. Back onto the subject, my wife and I just last year had a girlfriend for about a year who had pronounced labia, clitoris and clitoral hooding. We loved it as it gives a larger area of tissue down there with which to give pleasure to the person who we are with. May someday you find someone who will realise hoe special that makes you and how much fun they can have with them with the amount of pleasure that the pronounced labia can help them give you.

    Best wishes

    Comment by Razor — June 12, 2011 @ 1:28 am

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