Sex-Positive Information • Community • Straight/Gay/Kink • New Mexico and the Southwest

  • Carnal Conundrums

Asexuality & Your Beautiful Genitals

Filed under: Carnal Conundrums, Julian Wolf — Tags: , , , , , , — Julian @ 8:45 pm December 5, 2010
Hello!
I am a female, late 20s, basically healthy, sexually active for over a decade. This is my situation: I cannot become fully aroused when I’m with another person.
I have no moral qualms about sex, I think it’s a wonderful thing. All the physical mechanisms seem to be working just fine, and I can get turned on when I’m alone and achieve orgasm thru masturbation with no problems. But when I’m with a partner there’s a discrepancy. I just cannot get fully turned on, and because of that, I have not entirely enjoyed any sexual encounter I’ve ever had.
The nature of the relationship doesn’t seem to make a difference. The situation has been the same whether I’m deeply committed to my partner or whether we’re more casual. I used to think it was something that would resolve itself as I became more experienced, but, as I’ve gotten older & more emotionally mature, there’s been virtually no change in this situation. I feel as if I’m missing out on a part of my life by not having a satisfying sex life. This is not an occasional occurrence: I’ve had 2 orgasms outside of masturbation, and that’s out of… Well, out of many, many sexual encounters. Furthermore, it’s begun to effect my relationships in general. Sex was a big factor in the breakup of my engagement 2 years ago.
Is this a problem with anxiety? Could it be medical or chemical, hormonal perhaps? Or am I just making too big a deal out of it?

Thanks,
Lily

Dear Lily,
It could be any of the factors you listed. Physiological reasons such as chemical and/or hormone imbalances and a variety of other medical reasons can affect how we interact, particularly in stressful and/or sexual situations. I highly recommend seeing your preferred medical professional to rule out anything physiological, and barring that, check in with a psychiatrist or the like to look into any psychological issues that might be there.
There is also a chance that there isn’t anything wrong. Some people aren‘t sexual, or just aren‘t sexual with other people. Asexual people are defined as “people who do not experience sexual attraction.” Many people who identify as asexual have meaningful relationships- sometimes romantic in nature- with others. Here is a link on the topic: The Asexual Visibility and Education Network.

I hope that you find your answer soon, it’s so much easier to have a good time when you’re not worried about your well being.

Enjoy yourself,
Julian

Hey Julian,

Back in college I had a boyfriend that refused to go down on me because he said I “looked weird down there.” I’ve been a bit shy about it ever sense. My gynecologist says that everything is normal, I just have “pronounced labia.” Is this a big deal? Anytime I’ve seen porn the girls aren’t what I’d call pronounced. Should I keep the lights off, get surgery or what?

Thanks,
AW

Dear AW,

First of all, I hope you didn’t stay with that boyfriend very long. While everyone is welcome to have preferences, that was a pretty unsympathetic way of expressing his. I am sorry that you had to deal with that.

Secondly, there is nothing wrong with you, at all. It was a smart move to check with your gynecologist- I’m glad that you did! I could go on and on about how we’re each unique, our genitals are a beautiful thing and lots of main stream porn seems to want to teach us otherwise, but the staff at Self Serve in Nob Hill just put out a video on why you (not just you AW) don’t need labiaplasty. (Labiaplsty is what they what they call the elective cosmetic surgery you don’t need.) The video is a bit shorter than ten minutes, and I highly recommend it.
(Just keep in mind that some females experience pain and/or discomfort due to abnormally pronounced labia. In these cases, labiaplsty is not so much a cosmetic surgery as it is quality of life necessity.)

AW, I hope this answers your question and helps you gain some confidence. If having the lights off is your thing, then keep them off, but if you like the lights on- or you enjoy cunnilingus for that matter, find a partner who can enjoy you for exactly who you are.

Enjoy yourself,
Julian


Curious about something in that great big sexy world out there? Julian Wolf is here for you. Ask anything below or email Julian directly at advice@julianwolf.net.
No question is too out there.
Asexuality & Your Beautiful Genitals
  • Carnal Conundrums

Sex Happens

Hi Julian,
I read once in the Alibi that polyamorists are too busy to actually have sex, so I haven’t even broached the subject with my wife. I mean, what’s the point?
-SD

SD,

I am very familiar with the article. To quote “Both separately tell a joke, the gist of which is that polyamorous people are often so busy communicating and learning about themselves, they never get around to getting it on.” This is, in fact, a well known joke in the poly community, which is why both interviewees shared it with the journalist. The fact of the matter is that it is a humorous exaggeration, an “in joke” for those who have walked the poly walk.
Every serious relationship has times where you need to talk things out, but like most relationships when you don’t have the time to have fun as well the relationship doesn’t usually last. Communication is vital for successful polyamorous relationships, just as communication is vital for any successful relationship, be it business or pleasure.
It’s true, when you are involved with more than one person, you spend that much more time talking, but you also have the potential to reap great benefits.
If you’re interested in polyamory, do some research and see what it’s all about. If you’re still interested, broach the subject with your wife.
I can speak from both personal and professional experience that sex can definitely happen within poly relationships.
While I am fairly sure that your initials “SD” don’t sound for “Serious Dude” I must say, don’t take jokes so seriously dude. Whether or not you decide to take steps in opening up your relationship, thanks for asking. It’s always a pleasure to clarify misunderstandings.
If you do decide to take steps towards opening your relationship and need some more advice, please feel free to write back, Carnal Conundrums is here for you.

Enjoy yourself,
Julian

Dear Julian,
I’m in an on-going long distance relationship and had the pleasure of having my boyfriend back home for a few weeks. I was so excited! But after our first sexual experience my vagina was sore and I never fully recovered. I hope to be better prepared when we see each other again, maybe I was just out of practice? I don’t know. So my question to you is what can make us ladies become sore after sex, and is there anything we can do about it?
Thanks!
Sore and stubborn

Dear Sore,

There are myriad reasons that sex can make one sore. You might be using the wrong lube, you might need more foreplay and/or there might be medical issues
Lube comes in many varieties, and not all are body-safe. Some lubes have sugars which feed your natural flour and fauna and can cause yeast infections among other things, some have weird chemicals that can cause negative reactions, and you might have an allergy to any number of ingredients in any number of lubes. I always recommend stopping by Self Serve in Nob Hill where you can have an actual conversation with one of the sex educators there. They know which lubes are good for what (not all lubes go with all body parts or toys) and go out of their way to carry body-safe products. They can also lend some suggestions for foreplay and other ways to get you physically ready for physicality.
There are lots of physiological things that could be going on, including infection. Finding out now, whether there’s medial issue or not, is the safest way to go. Make an appointment with your medical practitioner (OBGYN specialist if available) and have them check you out.
Once you rule out any physiological issues and you have good accessories, you should be set. If you still experience some soreness, than your guess of being “out of practice” might be dead on. At that point I would suggest that you keep yourself “in practice” while he’s away. The right insertable toy can not only keep you in practice, but it also has the possibility of adding some fantasy play and hopefully even some phone sex into your long distance relationship. Enjoying physical intimacy with a loving partner can be the best thing in the world.

Enjoy yourself,
Julian


Curious about something in that great big sexy world out there? Julian Wolf is here for you. Ask anything below or email Julian directly at advice@julianwolf.net.
No question is too out there.
Sex Happens
  • Carnal Conundrums

Kink and Monogamy?

Filed under: Carnal Conundrums, Julian Wolf — Tags: , , , , , , , , , — Julian @ 9:46 pm July 8, 2010
Dear Julian,

Does kink and sex always go hand in hand? From what I hear monogamy can’t happen with kinky people and it’s crazy sex all the time with the guy/gal that brought the rope. Is that right?

Thanks,
Exhausted Thinking About It

Dear Exhausted,

Contrary to somewhat popular belief, kink and the act of sex do not always go hand and hand. In many cases, the hands stay away from the areas most frequently associated with sex. In fact, some people in the greater community have made movements to bring sex back into play. Once “the scene” started being less underground and more out in the open (ie: legal private clubs, conventions in hotels, publicly advertised parties, above-ground fetish parties) sex became a less-common occurrence. People had to stay “street legal” or avoid things that resemble sexual contact altogether due to zoning and/or prostitution laws. Some BDSM organizations have rules that sex is never allowed, including things like genital contact, or any kind of purposeful bodily fluid emissions or exchange. Heck, there are parties that are just for spanking! It’s completely possible to play with lots of people and remain sexually monogamous, and/or maintain the fidelity in your relationship, lots of people do.

Speaking of remaining sexually monogamous and/or maintaining fidelity in your relationships, make sure you talk about these things in advance. Is flogging ok but spanking makes you uncomfortable? Is strap-on play alright but kissing is right out? Being served by the same French Maid every weekend acceptable but movie dates unacceptable? Rules need to be whatever work for you. For some relationships, it might look like “anything goes” to the outside observer, but there are some specific rules in place. To use a personal example, my submissive was welcome to have casual sex and do sadomasochistic (S&M) activities with others, but anything involving D/s (dominance and submission) was rarely, if ever on the table. To the casual observer it might have looked like we had a completely open relationship, but we didn’t. We kept our emotional fidelity while having a lovely time with variety of other people.

Some people do mix their kink with sex exclusively, but for the most part that isn’t the case… at least not in the greater public community. What do I mean by “greater public community?” I’m talking about the organizations, groups, conventions, clubs and the like. (There’s a list of New Mexico groups here on Saucy Southwest!) There’s more to the BDSM and kink than just sexual aspects, and the cross over is pretty vast.

There are leaders in the community who are in monogamous relationships, and even active people who only play with one person. There isn’t one single thing that’s true of everyone in any group, and that’s always a good thing to keep in mind.

Exhausted Thinking About It, I hope that answers your question.

Enjoy yourself,
Julian


Curious about something that you can’t ask Dear Abby? Julian Wolf is here for you. Ask anything below or email Julian directly at advice@julianwolf.net.
No question is too mundane or alternative.
Kink and Monogamy?
  • Carnal Conundrums

Sexy Food

Filed under: Carnal Conundrums, Julian Wolf — Tags: , , , , , , , , , — Julian @ 10:42 pm June 8, 2010

Dear Julian,

What’s all this I hear about food and sex? Heck, some of the internet memes ask about sex w/ vegetables, and I always hear about the sexiness of strawberries & whipped cream, not to mention chocolate body paint. Do people really do that? Is it a good idea?

Thanks,
B aka not sure if I’m hungry

Dear B,

People have been mixing food and sex for eons—the Romans even did some documentation on this—and we’re not just talking about olive oil as lube. The fact is that humans have a tendency to utilize phallic-shaped objects, and a lot of produce is quite phallic. Let’s start with that. Other than the basic factors of cleanliness and smooth surfaces, there aren’t a lot of risks involving sexy time with the produce section, particularly of the vegetable variety. There are people that utilize nature’s bounty out of convenience or experimentation, to spice things up a bit, and then there are those who have a specific affinity for food play.

Fetishizing playing with your food has its own special medical label, sitophilia. There’s also a subset of the fetish culture that uses the term “sploshing” for the messier, food all over the place type of play. Kiddie pools filled with pudding, laying out tarps out for food fights and strawberries and cream a la 9-1/2 Weeks is a pastime for many adults and even theme parties. Some are in it for the taboo; others, the texture and sensations, and some people just like it without thinking much about why.

There are some safety concerns when it comes to food play. Sugars and sensitive bits really aren’t designed to mix. Sugars introduced internally into orifices other than the mouth can feed infection and throw of the balance of your natural bacterial flora. Yeah, that’s right, we all have happy bacteria that co-exist with us and keep us healthy. When you add elements, sugar in particular can cause nasty infections when left to hang out. Cleaning up after play is the best preventive medicine. Some people never have issues, and some have them the first time out; every body is different. Whipped cream, chocolate body paint and flavored lube (check those ingredients) can be a great time, just make sure that you pay attention and round up the afterglow with some sexy shower time. Alternatively, if it was Jell-o wrestling, cake sitting or a custard bath, you might want to start with a nice hosing off.

All in all, mixing sex and food can be a good time and a lot of people do it. Think about this- most people use food as foreplay. Expensive dining or a candlelight dinner at home can lead to eating off of each other forks, or tasting sauce on each others fingers- such actions are frequently portrayed on screen during romantic moments on film. Expensive dining or a candlelight dinner at home almost always leads to the bedroom, on or off film.

B, I hope I answered your questions and remember, there are a plethora of ways to have a deliciously good time.

Enjoy yourself,
Julian

Sexy Food
  • Carnal Conundrums

Chicks (can) Dig Porn

Filed under: Carnal Conundrums, Julian Wolf — Tags: , , , — Julian @ 11:10 pm April 23, 2010
Dear Julian,

Do any women actually like porn? I mean seriously, I can never get my girlfriends to watch porn with me, unless its my birthday or something, and then I get in trouble for looking. I have to hide my porn. What’s the deal?

scared to watch

Dear scared,

Sorry to hear that and thank you for asking! Lots of people run up against problems like this, so let’s see what we can do to help.

First of all, it’s really never a good idea to have such gross generalizations- there’s actually nothing that is true or untrue of every woman, but let’s get to the pornographic point. Yes, there are women who like porn. Heck, there are porn companies run by women, for women, though I’m sure some men enjoy those movies as well. I have female friends of many different flavors (gay, straight, queer, hetero, poly) who enjoy pornography, just as I know a handful of men who don’t get anything from pornography at all. There are studies that have found that males tend to be more visually oriented than females, which is greatly why much of the pornography industry focuses their energy on the male populace.

The thing to keep in mind is a lot of the porn out there is pretty sexist and some of it you could argue is pretty degrading as well. Even the really good stuff, even the feminist porn, gets a bad rap from sex-negative people and/or people who don’t get it. Some people truly believe that all pornography is a bad thing, and many females, particularly in our country are told from early on that it is a bad thing. That’s frequently a lot to work through. Let’s face it, nine times out of ten sex is demonized while violence is celebrated in the media. For some people, it’s really just too much programming to push aside and get off on.

As far as stereotypes go, lots of women like “Romance Novels” which are really just emotional erotica tied up in a gaudy bow. Many of the same women who are anti-porn are pro “Romance Novels” and some women who are pro-porn think that romance novels are trashy. Go figure.

Here’s a suggestion- find out what your girlfriend’s issue with porn is. For some people, it simple. Frequent reasons include “It’s boring” “I don’t get it” “Not into that type of person” “It’s gross.” Well, there are as many flavors of porn as there are of candy. Find out why they don’t like it, and then find some that doesn’t have those qualities that you can watch together. There are well acted movies, movies with people of every shape, size, age and color, movies with different themes and plots, movies without plots, romantic porn and pretty much anything you can imagine.

If they’re just anti-porn in general and they don’t even want you to watch it, then you need to have the conversation that talks about the difference between fantasy/masturbatory tools and cheating. Some people are jealous enough in their relationships that they’d rather their partner not look at anyone else at all. My opinion on that is that they have bigger issues, but that’s not the point. Some people chose the DADT (Don’t Ask Don’t Tell) format for this sort of situation. Some people would rather not know that their partners watch porn but don’t mind as long as they don’t bring it up. You’re an adult and you should have the right to entertain yourself as you see fit, just don’t flaunt it if your partner isn’t comfortable.

A good place to meet other people who actually enjoy porn is at places like Self Serve and the Erotic Film Festival that they put on annually. Pornotopia is a wonderful group of people that get together to watch porn on the big screen. The festival is primarily run by females and we’re all there for the love of the erotic arts, and yes, we watch porn.

Regardless of whether or not you have to keep your porn viewing private or can turn into a group effort, ask away if you have any other questions.

Enjoy yourself,
Julian

Chicks (can) Dig Porn
  • Carnal Conundrums

Pansexuality & Flock Together

Filed under: Carnal Conundrums, Julian Wolf — Tags: , , , , , — Julian @ 12:28 pm March 29, 2010
Hey Julian,

What does pansexuality mean? There’s already bisexual, what’s the difference really? I mean, how many words do we need?

Thanks,
Not an English Major

(more…)

Pansexuality & Flock Together
  • Carnal Conundrums

More Than Medical Advice

Filed under: Carnal Conundrums, Julian Wolf — Tags: , , — Julian @ 4:46 am January 10, 2010

Julian,

so i know i should probably consult a doctor either way but every now and then when my boyfriend fingers me, it takes a while for me to orgasm, and the only way i can is if he gets rough. i’ve experienced minor bleeding afterwards and was wondering if it was something i need to be worried about?

mic

(more…)

More Than Medical Advice
Older Posts »
Verified RTA member