Dear Exhausted,

Contrary to somewhat popular belief, kink and the act of sex do not always go hand and hand. In many cases, the hands stay away from the areas most frequently associated with sex. In fact, some people in the greater community have made movements to bring sex back into play. Once “the scene” started being less underground and more out in the open (ie: legal private clubs, conventions in hotels, publicly advertised parties, above-ground fetish parties) sex became a less-common occurrence. People had to stay “street legal” or avoid things that resemble sexual contact altogether due to zoning and/or prostitution laws. Some BDSM organizations have rules that sex is never allowed, including things like genital contact, or any kind of purposeful bodily fluid emissions or exchange. Heck, there are parties that are just for spanking! It’s completely possible to play with lots of people and remain sexually monogamous, and/or maintain the fidelity in your relationship, lots of people do.

Speaking of remaining sexually monogamous and/or maintaining fidelity in your relationships, make sure you talk about these things in advance. Is flogging ok but spanking makes you uncomfortable? Is strap-on play alright but kissing is right out? Being served by the same French Maid every weekend acceptable but movie dates unacceptable? Rules need to be whatever work for you. For some relationships, it might look like “anything goes” to the outside observer, but there are some specific rules in place. To use a personal example, my submissive was welcome to have casual sex and do sadomasochistic (S&M) activities with others, but anything involving D/s (dominance and submission) was rarely, if ever on the table. To the casual observer it might have looked like we had a completely open relationship, but we didn’t. We kept our emotional fidelity while having a lovely time with variety of other people.

Some people do mix their kink with sex exclusively, but for the most part that isn’t the case… at least not in the greater public community. What do I mean by “greater public community?” I’m talking about the organizations, groups, conventions, clubs and the like. (There’s a list of New Mexico groups here on Saucy Southwest!) There’s more to the BDSM and kink than just sexual aspects, and the cross over is pretty vast.

There are leaders in the community who are in monogamous relationships, and even active people who only play with one person. There isn’t one single thing that’s true of everyone in any group, and that’s always a good thing to keep in mind.

Exhausted Thinking About It, I hope that answers your question.

Enjoy yourself,
Julian

Dear B,

People have been mixing food and sex for eons—the Romans even did some documentation on this—and we’re not just talking about olive oil as lube. The fact is that humans have a tendency to utilize phallic-shaped objects, and a lot of produce is quite phallic. Let’s start with that. Other than the basic factors of cleanliness and smooth surfaces, there aren’t a lot of risks involving sexy time with the produce section, particularly of the vegetable variety. There are people that utilize nature’s bounty out of convenience or experimentation, to spice things up a bit, and then there are those who have a specific affinity for food play.

Fetishizing playing with your food has its own special medical label, sitophilia. There’s also a subset of the fetish culture that uses the term “sploshing” for the messier, food all over the place type of play. Kiddie pools filled with pudding, laying out tarps out for food fights and strawberries and cream a la 9-1/2 Weeks is a pastime for many adults and even theme parties. Some are in it for the taboo; others, the texture and sensations, and some people just like it without thinking much about why.

There are some safety concerns when it comes to food play. Sugars and sensitive bits really aren’t designed to mix. Sugars introduced internally into orifices other than the mouth can feed infection and throw of the balance of your natural bacterial flora. Yeah, that’s right, we all have happy bacteria that co-exist with us and keep us healthy. When you add elements, sugar in particular can cause nasty infections when left to hang out. Cleaning up after play is the best preventive medicine. Some people never have issues, and some have them the first time out; every body is different. Whipped cream, chocolate body paint and flavored lube (check those ingredients) can be a great time, just make sure that you pay attention and round up the afterglow with some sexy shower time. Alternatively, if it was Jell-o wrestling, cake sitting or a custard bath, you might want to start with a nice hosing off.

All in all, mixing sex and food can be a good time and a lot of people do it. Think about this- most people use food as foreplay. Expensive dining or a candlelight dinner at home can lead to eating off of each other forks, or tasting sauce on each others fingers- such actions are frequently portrayed on screen during romantic moments on film. Expensive dining or a candlelight dinner at home almost always leads to the bedroom, on or off film.

B, I hope I answered your questions and remember, there are a plethora of ways to have a deliciously good time.

Enjoy yourself,
Julian

Dear scared,

Sorry to hear that and thank you for asking! Lots of people run up against problems like this, so let’s see what we can do to help.

First of all, it’s really never a good idea to have such gross generalizations- there’s actually nothing that is true or untrue of every woman, but let’s get to the pornographic point. Yes, there are women who like porn. Heck, there are porn companies run by women, for women, though I’m sure some men enjoy those movies as well. I have female friends of many different flavors (gay, straight, queer, hetero, poly) who enjoy pornography, just as I know a handful of men who don’t get anything from pornography at all. There are studies that have found that males tend to be more visually oriented than females, which is greatly why much of the pornography industry focuses their energy on the male populace.

The thing to keep in mind is a lot of the porn out there is pretty sexist and some of it you could argue is pretty degrading as well. Even the really good stuff, even the feminist porn, gets a bad rap from sex-negative people and/or people who don’t get it. Some people truly believe that all pornography is a bad thing, and many females, particularly in our country are told from early on that it is a bad thing. That’s frequently a lot to work through. Let’s face it, nine times out of ten sex is demonized while violence is celebrated in the media. For some people, it’s really just too much programming to push aside and get off on.

As far as stereotypes go, lots of women like “Romance Novels” which are really just emotional erotica tied up in a gaudy bow. Many of the same women who are anti-porn are pro “Romance Novels” and some women who are pro-porn think that romance novels are trashy. Go figure.

Here’s a suggestion- find out what your girlfriend’s issue with porn is. For some people, it simple. Frequent reasons include “It’s boring” “I don’t get it” “Not into that type of person” “It’s gross.” Well, there are as many flavors of porn as there are of candy. Find out why they don’t like it, and then find some that doesn’t have those qualities that you can watch together. There are well acted movies, movies with people of every shape, size, age and color, movies with different themes and plots, movies without plots, romantic porn and pretty much anything you can imagine.

If they’re just anti-porn in general and they don’t even want you to watch it, then you need to have the conversation that talks about the difference between fantasy/masturbatory tools and cheating. Some people are jealous enough in their relationships that they’d rather their partner not look at anyone else at all. My opinion on that is that they have bigger issues, but that’s not the point. Some people chose the DADT (Don’t Ask Don’t Tell) format for this sort of situation. Some people would rather not know that their partners watch porn but don’t mind as long as they don’t bring it up. You’re an adult and you should have the right to entertain yourself as you see fit, just don’t flaunt it if your partner isn’t comfortable.

A good place to meet other people who actually enjoy porn is at places like Self Serve and the Erotic Film Festival that they put on annually. Pornotopia is a wonderful group of people that get together to watch porn on the big screen. The festival is primarily run by females and we’re all there for the love of the erotic arts, and yes, we watch porn.

Regardless of whether or not you have to keep your porn viewing private or can turn into a group effort, ask away if you have any other questions.

Enjoy yourself,
Julian

Hello NAEM,

Pansexuality is commonly defined as being attracted to people regardless of their gender. (It also is a word to describe events where everyone is welcome.) How is this different than bi? Well, by literally and etymologically, bi=two. Humans have more than two genders, and many people don’t fit into the heteronormative pink or blue box. M and F don’t cover the spectrum of human sex or gender, and many people (and institutes) are starting to reflect that in their terminology. There certainly are bisexual people who are into just two types of people, but many of us are correctly identifying ourselves as pansexual. For example, there are intersex, transgender, genderqueer, androgynous and two-spirit people, just to touch the tip of the iceberg of the complexity of human gender. The term cisgender was developed to give a specific term to people who identify and are comfortable with the gender they were assigned at birth.

In China, there is a proverb which I feel applies here: “The beginning of wisdom is to call things by their right names.” So, my answer to you is that we need as many words as required to correctly describe who we are and whom we love. There is a distinction, and to those of us who spend a lot of time in sexuality focused communities, those distinctions are the difference between an excellent connection and an awkward date.

Life is, some say, as complicated as you make it; for some, words such as pansexuality make the world less complicated.

So, Not an English Major, utilize the terminology that you need for you, and thank you for asking.

Enjoy yourself,
Julian

Hey Julian, What’s Flock Together?

Flock Together is a new monthly event sponsored by Love Bird and Lust Bird and hosted by yours truly. Every second Thursday we meet at a wonderful private club close to Downtown (email for directions; you‘re personally invited!) for a happy hour that includes a meet and greet and an optional workshop. A workshop you say? Why yes! The first one was on Creating the Best Personal Profile Possible, and next month, we’re going to bring in special guests to join me on the Art of Flirting. Workshops are going to remain a $5 suggested donation, and each donation gets you a ticket for one of the fabulous door prizes. It’s a win-win. We’ll be there every second Thursday, and you’re more than welcome to stay for the alternative music night, where the people who enjoy goth, industrial and a mix of other fun beats gather to socialize and dance. No extra charge; just don’t forget to tip the bartender.

I hope to see you at the next Flock Together. It’s the place to be for New Mexico’s available adults.

Upcoming Flock Together Dates:
April 8
May 13
June 10

Dear Mic,

As you might have read in the Some Like It Rough edition of the column, rough sex can be a great thing enjoyed by many. Needing to get a bit rough isn’t directly indicative of a problem, but bleeding and lingering pain is.

That being said, my advice is two-fold. Firstly, go see your medical professional and be frank and honest about what’s going on. If she or he gives you crap, i.e., treats you with any disrespect, go get a new practitioner. If there are any medical concerns, make sure that you address them as recommended. If there aren’t, start trying new things and new styles of stimulation. For example, some who like it rough love Hitachi Magic Wands and other intense vibration toys. Once you’re cleared medically, I strongly recommend you go talk shop with Self Serve (located in Nob Hill); they know their toys and can make excellent recommendations.

So, please make an appointment for that medical check-up if you haven’t already, and if you have additional questions, please feel free to ask away.
 
Enjoy yourself,
Julian

Greetings Carnal Compatriots,

I’d like to take some extra time to discuss doctors, therapists, lawyers and other people in the service industry, particularly those who are in positions that require significant education and therefore have some level of authority. While such an education does deserve a hearty level of respect, keep something in mind as you go to your appointments: They work for you. That’s right, when you go to see your doctor, even if your insurance is covering most of the bill, you are seeing someone who is working for you. These professionals have a job because you, and others like you, are interested in being seen by them. Keep that in mind.

Whenever possible, you should interview your doctors, therapists, lawyers, technicians, etc. before you see them and ask some basic questions. Questions like—”Have you worked with people like me before?” (Fill this part in—for me, it would be, “Have you worked with kinky polyamorists before?” Your question might be, “Have you worked with single parents who have diabetes” or “bisexuals with body modifications” or even “sexually active seniors” or whatever the case may be. For those of us with alternative religious beliefs, that might also merit mentioning as well, particularly for things such as therapy. If they have not worked with people like you before, asking if they are willing to is in order. You can send any professional person to the National Coalition For Sexual Freedom website for details, particularly the Kink Aware Professional section. It is an excellent resource for consumers and professionals. If a medical practitioner, accountant or what-have-you has a problem with an aspect of you, such as enjoying rough sex, find another one. They don’t deserve your business and you deserve services provided by someone who will respect your decisions. That being said, your landscaper might not need to know you have a dungeon, but your housekeeper does. Your doctor needs to know if you’re sexually active and what type of person you’re sexually active with (different medical concerns); yet your accountant might just need to know that your financial planning is for a triad, not that you‘re also a swinger.

So, let me reiterate, you deserve respect and decency from your medical professionals as well as other people who are providing you a service; keep in mind that you are how they are getting paid. If they don’t like your particular proclivities and it seems that they will judge you and/or you will not receive a good level of care, find someone else to see. You do have options. Always stand up for yourself and don’t get pushed around just because you’re different than they are.  Most of these professions are required to keep your information confidential, so don’t be afraid to be honest, and let them know what you need.

 

Hey New Mexico:

You can send in questions to Carnal Conundrums by responding here or emailing Julian directly via advice@julianwolf.net.

Curious about the alternative calendar? Have a question about your personal proclivities or what’s going on behind closed doors? Send in your questions and comments any time, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week.

All you have to do is ask away!

Dear Joe,

You’d be surprised how frequently people have asked similar questions! There are a lot of people out there who are saving themselves for something special. I’m not aware of a group in town specifically for virgins, so let me suggest that you go looking for that someone special wherever you’re going to have something else in common with her as well. In my first draft of this column, I typed out several questions about what your interests might be, but that advice is going to be very similar to what I offered a previous person with a quandary and numerous people in real life. What I’m going to suggest is that you create a personal ad. Do so locally (that’s what Love Bird and Lust Bird are for—it sounds like you need Love Bird) and beyond that, start a group yourself.

You’re probably not the only the only one out there looking, and an ad and/or scheduling a meet-up at a local coffeehouse is likely going to do you a lot of good.

Good luck, and if you have more questions, just ask away.

Hi Julian,

hello there. i have a foot fetish and would like to know if there are any groups for this in the albuq. area. also would like advice on where to find women willing to receive foot massages. just like giving foot massages and rubbing them on my face. also if you may be interested in doing this with me. thanks.

hope to hear from ya soon.

Dear Foot Guy,

There are not any groups that I’m aware of that are specifically for foot fetish in Albuquerque. There are, however many kink groups who encourage such behavior. You can find links to several of them here at SaucySW, just to your right. I am also going to recommenced that you read the same advice that I gave to Joe above, though for you I recommend that you put your ad up on Lust Bird. 

Good Luck!

 

Hey New Mexico:

You can send in questions to Carnal Conundrums by responding here or emailing Julian directly via advice@julianwolf.net.

Curious about the alternative calendar? Have a question about your personal proclivities or  what’s going on behind closed doors? Send in your questions and comments any time, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week.

All you have to do is ask away!