Sex-Positive Information • Community • Straight/Gay/Kink • New Mexico and the Southwest

  • Carnal Conundrums

Sex Happens

Hi Julian,
I read once in the Alibi that polyamorists are too busy to actually have sex, so I haven’t even broached the subject with my wife. I mean, what’s the point?


I am very familiar with the article. To quote “Both separately tell a joke, the gist of which is that polyamorous people are often so busy communicating and learning about themselves, they never get around to getting it on.” This is, in fact, a well known joke in the poly community, which is why both interviewees shared it with the journalist. The fact of the matter is that it is a humorous exaggeration, an “in joke” for those who have walked the poly walk.
Every serious relationship has times where you need to talk things out, but like most relationships when you don’t have the time to have fun as well the relationship doesn’t usually last. Communication is vital for successful polyamorous relationships, just as communication is vital for any successful relationship, be it business or pleasure.
It’s true, when you are involved with more than one person, you spend that much more time talking, but you also have the potential to reap great benefits.
If you’re interested in polyamory, do some research and see what it’s all about. If you’re still interested, broach the subject with your wife.
I can speak from both personal and professional experience that sex can definitely happen within poly relationships.
While I am fairly sure that your initials “SD” don’t sound for “Serious Dude” I must say, don’t take jokes so seriously dude. Whether or not you decide to take steps in opening up your relationship, thanks for asking. It’s always a pleasure to clarify misunderstandings.
If you do decide to take steps towards opening your relationship and need some more advice, please feel free to write back, Carnal Conundrums is here for you.

Enjoy yourself,

Dear Julian,
I’m in an on-going long distance relationship and had the pleasure of having my boyfriend back home for a few weeks. I was so excited! But after our first sexual experience my vagina was sore and I never fully recovered. I hope to be better prepared when we see each other again, maybe I was just out of practice? I don’t know. So my question to you is what can make us ladies become sore after sex, and is there anything we can do about it?
Sore and stubborn

Dear Sore,

There are myriad reasons that sex can make one sore. You might be using the wrong lube, you might need more foreplay and/or there might be medical issues
Lube comes in many varieties, and not all are body-safe. Some lubes have sugars which feed your natural flour and fauna and can cause yeast infections among other things, some have weird chemicals that can cause negative reactions, and you might have an allergy to any number of ingredients in any number of lubes. I always recommend stopping by Self Serve in Nob Hill where you can have an actual conversation with one of the sex educators there. They know which lubes are good for what (not all lubes go with all body parts or toys) and go out of their way to carry body-safe products. They can also lend some suggestions for foreplay and other ways to get you physically ready for physicality.
There are lots of physiological things that could be going on, including infection. Finding out now, whether there’s medial issue or not, is the safest way to go. Make an appointment with your medical practitioner (OBGYN specialist if available) and have them check you out.
Once you rule out any physiological issues and you have good accessories, you should be set. If you still experience some soreness, than your guess of being “out of practice” might be dead on. At that point I would suggest that you keep yourself “in practice” while he’s away. The right insertable toy can not only keep you in practice, but it also has the possibility of adding some fantasy play and hopefully even some phone sex into your long distance relationship. Enjoying physical intimacy with a loving partner can be the best thing in the world.

Enjoy yourself,

Curious about something in that great big sexy world out there? Julian Wolf is here for you. Ask anything below or email Julian directly at
No question is too out there.
Sex Happens
  • Carnal Conundrums

Sexy Food

Filed under: Carnal Conundrums, Julian Wolf — Tags: , , , , , , , , , — Julian @ 10:42 pm June 8, 2010

Dear Julian,

What’s all this I hear about food and sex? Heck, some of the internet memes ask about sex w/ vegetables, and I always hear about the sexiness of strawberries & whipped cream, not to mention chocolate body paint. Do people really do that? Is it a good idea?

B aka not sure if I’m hungry

Dear B,

People have been mixing food and sex for eons—the Romans even did some documentation on this—and we’re not just talking about olive oil as lube. The fact is that humans have a tendency to utilize phallic-shaped objects, and a lot of produce is quite phallic. Let’s start with that. Other than the basic factors of cleanliness and smooth surfaces, there aren’t a lot of risks involving sexy time with the produce section, particularly of the vegetable variety. There are people that utilize nature’s bounty out of convenience or experimentation, to spice things up a bit, and then there are those who have a specific affinity for food play.

Fetishizing playing with your food has its own special medical label, sitophilia. There’s also a subset of the fetish culture that uses the term “sploshing” for the messier, food all over the place type of play. Kiddie pools filled with pudding, laying out tarps out for food fights and strawberries and cream a la 9-1/2 Weeks is a pastime for many adults and even theme parties. Some are in it for the taboo; others, the texture and sensations, and some people just like it without thinking much about why.

There are some safety concerns when it comes to food play. Sugars and sensitive bits really aren’t designed to mix. Sugars introduced internally into orifices other than the mouth can feed infection and throw of the balance of your natural bacterial flora. Yeah, that’s right, we all have happy bacteria that co-exist with us and keep us healthy. When you add elements, sugar in particular can cause nasty infections when left to hang out. Cleaning up after play is the best preventive medicine. Some people never have issues, and some have them the first time out; every body is different. Whipped cream, chocolate body paint and flavored lube (check those ingredients) can be a great time, just make sure that you pay attention and round up the afterglow with some sexy shower time. Alternatively, if it was Jell-o wrestling, cake sitting or a custard bath, you might want to start with a nice hosing off.

All in all, mixing sex and food can be a good time and a lot of people do it. Think about this- most people use food as foreplay. Expensive dining or a candlelight dinner at home can lead to eating off of each other forks, or tasting sauce on each others fingers- such actions are frequently portrayed on screen during romantic moments on film. Expensive dining or a candlelight dinner at home almost always leads to the bedroom, on or off film.

B, I hope I answered your questions and remember, there are a plethora of ways to have a deliciously good time.

Enjoy yourself,

Sexy Food
Verified RTA member